Log In | Register
MY LIVING WILL
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I
never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at
all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known ONLY a woman would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MY NEXT LIFE
I want to live my
next life backwards!
You start out dead and get that out of the
way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing home
feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home
for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work,
you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon
you're too young to work.
So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink,
and party. As you get even younger, you become a kid
again. You go to elementary school, play, and have no
responsibilities. In a few years, you become a baby and
everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.
You spend
your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury,
spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.
Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten likethe dog did?" And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support ourfamily. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain thegrandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and barkat everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
